bekks.corner 5/23/26

It's from not sleeping, isn't it?

The reason why i'm not in control over my emotions.

Not ever going to be ready for a relationship?

Can't deal with life?

Feeling so out of whack and not having a fucking clue as to why.

What's the explanation?

Why what's causing this?

Why can't I control it?

Why won't anything work?

Where is this coming from?

How do I identify it?

I can shut everything off and turn everything on at the same time.

And that's probably why my pages end and always begin.

Maybe because of the shit show I deal with at home.

Wanting to prove i'm okay and i'm really altogether and I really am.

But my mind is still broken, and sometimes I can't figure out why.

And all the weight on my shoulders might be the primary reason for it, isn't it?

Absent father, who exists all the time.

The mother who won't make him vanish and takes it out on the kids too.

A son who's just trying to get by because he genetically can't.

The daughter who is trying to start her life from scratch and make something for herself.

And of herself.

And the page has ended.

No the page didn't end.

Because why do I sit here and have this emotional pain that sits in my chest.

Sad about everything, not sure what's happening.

It's because I'm broken, broken in ways I don't know how to navigate, and this feels like unknown territory.

The feeling of just laying in bed, listening to indy rock, not on my phone, not caring about the next notification.

Wiping the tears, wiping the snot because dinner's done and no one who's capable of doing it, will do it.

Maybe I shouldn't be so emotional about it.

Mom's accepted it.

She's okay with it.

But she gave up.

She put her morals, her confidence, her beliefs, her peace aside, for him.

Is that why it keeps happening to me?

Because that's what i've seen my whole life?

And I still have to deal with it, stolen peace, stolen hearts, tolerated disrespect, and words of reassurance.